I am nothing short of a god at this game, a modern myth come to life at the art of dunking the shots. However, even my prowess as a dunk shot savant cannot rescue me from the unscrupulous developers who have turned a blind eye to the most harrowing of glitches the dunk shot community could possibly envision.
Allow me to paint the scene so that you may be absorbed into the terrifying experience which I had to endure. In a moment of characteristic genius, I raced my way all the way up to a score of 1230. A mere 40 points shy of my record- just 8 perfect throws from breaking my already sublime performance- I made the unusual mistake of missing a shot. But in my infinite wisdom I had forgone missing up to that point. That is to say, I still had my extra life!
The game provides a “continue” option which permits you to pick up where you left off after watching an ad for an app, presumably by the same creators of dunk shot. I see this as a respectable exchange of services: I devote my time to being convinced to purchase an app by either the company which made dunk shot or another one, either way sending revenue to the developers. In exchange, I get the joy of an extra life, keeping me an elated gamer and giving me the splendid opportunity to break my own record. The fundamental goal of any dunk shotter is to beat his own and his friends’ records.
But on this faithful day I was not afforded such an opportunity. As is common, after selecting continue and watching the required advertisement, I was not given the chance to continue. My score of 1230 sits now as a second highest score, exceedingly impressive, of course, as it was done in one try, but dissatisfying as the 1270 number was not only in sight, but was surely going to be utterly shattered. I feared the glitch may strike, and indeed, with the standard prescience I’ve come to expect from myself, I was predictably wronged by the unflinching and vile glitch which goes uncorrected by the developers of dunk shot.
This is a mark of shame on those who have designed dunk shot. May they forever be punished for the despicable blind eye they have turned to such a beautiful game. “It only takes one mistake to make a masterpiece a disgrace.” — Me.
I have a litany of demands which I expect to be met before I, a force whose dunk shot prominence far exceeds that of Lebron or MJ’s basketball dominance, rescind this review in exchange for a favorable one on the art that dunk shot can be.
First, I require the glitch to be remedied. No longer should I or any of my fellow competitors in the sport be subjected to the the repulsive tease of the continue button, toiling to extremely high scores just short of our records only to be crestfallen when the app has denied us the fruits of our labor. This is the mark of a truly apologetic and humble development team.
Next, I require true justice for the crime brought forth upon me, a truly humble and innocent deity of the sport. The developers must give me one opportunity to update my high score by giving me one ball beginning at a score of 1230 so that I may live out the dream I was robbed of.
Finally, the community, but especially yours truly, is owed a public apology. Not just a tweet. No, this must be far longer than 280 characters. A hand written essay must be scanned and delivered by the developers to the major national news papers(WSJ, NYT, and Washington Post, at minimum) for publication, as well as provided via social media: FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Further, a snap chat filter must be made with the words “we’re sorry,” assigned to the dunk shot development team. The essay must be written with the same artistry I have presented my grievances. It must be lengthy, well developed, and explain not only that the creators of dunk shot feel great sorrow for their actions but also outline the events that led to this fateful moment.
Until these demands are met I shall stand by the skewering of a review I have delivered unto this abomination of what could be an elegant, even world changing, way of life.
Seven thumbs down and a disappointed shake of the head.